Locked and Loaded (Bullet, #6) Read online

  He had to.

  * * *

  Jennifer had been sitting in her car waiting for Zane to arrive—or waiting for two minutes until it was seven o’clock, the time they’d agreed upon—before she headed inside. Her brain was in turmoil, and she needed to get her head on straight before looking Zane in the eye.

  It had been a good half a year before anyone other than herself discovered who Zoe’s dad was, and it wasn’t because she’d wanted to tell. Yeah, she knew in theory—when Zane was being Dr. Jekyll—that he would be a wonderful daddy, and she also knew her daughter would want for nothing if Zane was in her life.

  But she also knew how easily—and how rapidly—Zane could and would change into Mr. Hyde, and that man didn’t deserve to know his daughter. Unfortunately, because his Hyde always seemed to overpower and outlast his Jekyll, Jennifer just couldn’t take a chance.

  She remembered when Valerie figured it out. Zoe was around six months old, and they had been visiting Val and the kids for a lunch date. Fully Automatic was out on their last tour, so there was no chance of running into Zane...otherwise, Jennifer might have suggested Val and the kids come to her apartment or that they meet in a neutral place. She hadn’t been ready to see Zane then. But Zoe was sitting on the floor, playing with toys, and Chris had been entertaining her—pretending to be a guitar player like his dad and stepdad and singing one of their newest songs. It was really cute and it had both women laughing. Hayley had started imitating Chris then, and that was when Zoe started giggling, her little dimples denting her cheeks as the little girl gasped for air to let out another hearty laugh. That was all the encouragement Chris had needed to keep going.

  In the middle of it all, though, Valerie gasped and said, “Oh, my God.”

  The kids didn’t notice, but Jennifer did. “What?”

  Val turned from eyeing Zoe to looking her friend straight in the eyes. “Zane’s her dad, isn’t he?” Fortunately, her friend had still been tactful and hadn’t said it loud enough that Chris would register it and report it later. But Jennifer hadn’t expected the question. No one had questioned who the baby’s father was (except for her God-fearing mother, and they were finally on speaking terms again), knowing it was rude to ask, and after all this time, Jennifer had adjusted and no longer had a plan for how to answer.

  So it was quite simple for Val to get confirmation from the way Jennifer didn’t answer. “He is.” Jennifer screwed up her mouth, not sure what to say even though the cat was out of the bag. Val said, “He doesn’t know, though, does he?”

  Jennifer shook her head slightly, a small wry grin creeping up on her face. “I can’t tell him, Val. Not now.”

  “He deserves to know.”

  For some reason, Val’s words pissed Jennifer off. “Yeah, you’d think so...but you don’t know him like I do.”

  “I know he’s a good guy.”

  “He wants to be a good guy, Val. I really don’t want to sour your relationship with him, but maybe I need to tell you a few stories.”

  And, after a few select reflections upon Jennifer’s harried relationship with Zane, Valerie understood the reason why her friend wanted to keep the identity of Zoe’s father under wraps. She still had objections, but she promised to keep Jennifer’s confidence.

  Jennifer was still torn by that decision even now, though, and she knew it would be hard to keep it quiet. She didn’t know that she could even keep the fact that she was now a mother secret either. Zoe was now the most important thing in her life, and Jennifer suspected it would be difficult to keep her mouth shut.

  Well, she reminded herself, it was ultimately up to Zane. If, this time, they could make it past a bickering phase and somehow manage to be mature about their relationship, then maybe it would be time to let Zane know what had happened the last time they’d been together. If he could straighten up his act.

  It had been dumb. God...so dumb. They’d been drinking (mistake number one) and then they started fighting, practically tooth and nail (mistake number two, but there was no avoiding the bickering at that point), and they’d wound up fucking before the argument was even over. Both had been so angry, so passionate, so emotional that no condoms were used—and it had been more important than ever to do it, because Jennifer hadn’t been on the pill. She’d gone off it a year earlier, wanting to give her body a rest.

  She’d lay in bed after, angry with herself just as much as she’d been angry with Zane, and she worried too but chose not to say anything. Zane had been so wasted, he hadn’t paid much attention, and she knew it was a one-in-a-hundred chance—but, of course, that was just her luck.

  When she discovered several weeks later that she was pregnant—long after she’d kicked Zane back out of her life—she was angry and upset once again...but once she simmered down, she realized that she couldn’t give the baby up. She should have taken the morning after pill as soon as she’d left Zane’s place on that first night...but now something that simple was too late.

  But she knew she was dreaming anyway. Her old parochial school background had all those unrepented sins rolling through her brain, and she couldn’t hear past the religious instructors’ admonitions. Not only had Jennifer engaged in lots and lots of premarital sex, now she was pregnant. Did she want to add murder to her list of crimes against heaven?

  All that shit was gone the first time she held Zoe in her arms, just moments after pushing the child out of her womb. Nothing else mattered then—not Zane, not anyone’s judgment, not what had come before or what would follow. That child was the beginning and end for Jennifer, and every decision she made after that point would be tempered by thoughts surrounding the welfare and needs of her child.

  She now understood what unconditional love truly was.

  So, much as she loved Zane, was drawn to him like a magnetic force, he was now secondary, and if he was still the same old guy—the party animal, the horn dog, the selfish bastard prick—she wasn’t even going to let on that she had a daughter, let alone tell him he was the father.

  But she’d forgotten just how captivating the man was, and she remembered it, even seeing him from her vantage point in the parking lot to where he stood just outside the restaurant. Yes, Zane was charismatic—sweet, friendly, and funny—and, unlike most people, the fact that he was a little damaged inside kept him grounded, made him real. It was those qualities that had made Jennifer care for him, but he was also quite a sight for sore eyes, in spite of the fact that it was obvious he’d been worn down lately. He was still a vision to behold with his long dark hair and clear blue eyes. What gave away that he might not be at the top of his game was how pale his skin looked. It wasn’t that he looked ill but like...something was a little off. Jennifer pushed those thoughts out of her head as she got closer. He walked a few steps away closer to the edge of the sidewalk, scanning the parking lot and waiting patiently for her to join him. As soon as he spotted her walking toward him, his face split with a grin and he started moving in her direction to meet her. He held out his hands to take hers into his and he kissed her on the cheek, the epitome of a gentleman.

  It was a good start...but it always started out with rainbows and sunshine.

  Chapter Six

  HOLY SHIT. AS always, Jen was a vision. She was beautiful on the outside, yes, but Zane felt like he could see inside her soul. Her smile lit up her entire face, even though underneath it all she seemed almost tired...as if the world had taken its toll on her.

  Or maybe that was his own worldview smearing the lens through which he gazed upon her?

  Yeah, probably, because inside he was tired, in spite of the happy face he put on for this woman he loved. She really did make things better, though, so he didn’t feel like an asshole for acting like everything was okay.

  She didn’t need to know all the shit he’d been going through anyway.

  When she got close, he pulled her into an embrace, and even though she hugged him back, he could feel the stiffness of her body. It was as though she were trying t
o distance herself from him. He kissed her on the cheek before she could object and said, “So good to see you, Jen. You look great as always.”

  She looked him in the eyes. “You do, too.”

  “Liar.” He could tell she didn’t mean it. Yeah, he knew he looked like shit, but his appearance was a hell of a lot better than it had been two months ago. A waiter approached them as they walked in the front door and ushered them to a booth, taking their drink orders (no liquor) and handing them large menus covered in clear vinyl before zipping off. Zane opened the menu but his thoughts weren’t on food. Not in the slightest.

  No, his internal focus was on Jennifer, and he felt at peace for the first time in months just having her near. He would be glad to simply float in her orbit once more, and he had to hope that this time, out of all the times they’d been together before, it worked. He was tired of the merry-go-round. He might have spent half (or more) of his adult life blitzed out of his mind, but he hadn’t lost so many brain cells as to not know his behaviors were cyclical.

  And destructive.

  While his every focus was on that woman, he didn’t want to freak her out, so he let his eyes scan the menu while he talked. “How’s the job going? You still at the same place?”

  Jennifer drew in a slight breath. “Yeah. Probably till the day I die.”

  Zane looked up. He hadn’t expected something so real in their conversation so soon. He knew Jennifer well enough to know she’d meant it to come across as half joking, but he could see right through her. “You’re way too young to talk like that, Jen. If you don’t like it there, get out. Find something else.”

  “I didn’t say I didn’t like it.”

  He was relieved she’d put the menu down and was looking him in the eyes now. “So...do you?” After a pause, he prompted. “Like it?”

  She lifted her eyebrows and shrugged before giving him an almost convincing “Yeah.”

  “Do you love it?”

  Jennifer let out a slight chuckle then. “I’m a glorified clerk, a secretary in a sea of secretaries...and that’s all my four-year liberal arts education has gotten me. Do you think I love it?”

  Ah...there was the Jen he was used to—a woman comfortable enough with him to tell him how she really felt. No social conventions, no polite nonsense just because it was expected. Real. “So what do you want to do, Jen? What did you go to school for?”

  She raised her eyebrows, and it was as if he saw a curtain being drawn across a window. Too much, too soon, as if they didn’t have a long and varied history behind them and could go there anyway. Goddammit. “Very easy for you to sit in judgment, Zane Carson. You’re the bassist of one of the most popular bands nowadays, and I’m pretty sure you want for nothing. So it’s pretty simple for you to point from your throne and tell me what I’m doing wrong.”

  Oh, fuck. They’d barely been together five minutes. She was going to start this shit already? He got ready to fire right back and then realized that he didn’t have to feed it. Maybe she’d had a shitty week and she was just venting. Maybe this was what she needed. So he took a deep breath and tamped down the internal flames before responding. “Hey...I wasn’t trying to point a finger, okay. I just really wanted to know what’s going on with you—and I don’t like hearing that maybe you’re not happy...‘cause out of everyone I know, you deserve some happiness. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad.”

  He saw her facial features soften then, and she let out an almost inaudible sigh as she let go of the tension in her body. “Oh, geez. I’m sorry, Zane. I, uh—”

  “No worries, Jen.” Zane saw the waiter making his way over to the table. “But I hope you know what you want, ‘cause it’s just about time to order.”

  * * *

  Jennifer couldn’t even remember what she’d asked the waiter to write on his pad, but that was because she was trying to recover from what was essentially a massive hull breach. She hadn’t expected it. She’d always loved Zane to the depths of her soul and part of her resented the shit out of him for not getting his act together. Because he never would pick up the pieces of his life, they could never be together. Ever. And so she’d been thinking that, even though his arms around her had felt like heaven.

  But Satan always came in an angel’s disguise.

  So when he’d asked her about her job, it had thrown her for a loop. She’d almost started spurting about how much she hated it. When she’d first started at Edwards, even though she’d been a “lowly clerk,” she’d enjoyed the hell out of it. It was challenging and fun. She had to process reports and respond to online correspondence, so there was always a little bit of the familiar but a lot of new things thrown at her every day. It hadn’t been until Constance had started there two years ago that things had started to change.

  At first, she’d thought she and Constance would be friends. The woman had started a year after Jennifer did, and they got on well at first, going to lunch together and spending breaks with each other chatting about their lives. But, as Jennifer continued to help training Constance, the woman had gotten frustrated. She’d struggled with the computer program and some of even the more monotonous job duties, and when Jennifer tried to help, explaining some tips for navigating one of the computer programs they had to work in, Constance had snapped at her, telling her the program was stupid.

  She’d really lost it and taken out her frustrations on Jennifer.

  Jennifer had apologized (yes, apologized, for heaven’s sake) for Constance’s frustration and assured her that she would get the hang of it. But that was the moment that Jennifer could pinpoint where things had changed between them, and she couldn’t understand why. After then, Constance distanced herself from Jennifer. A few months later, Cunt-stance buddied up with another employee in their division and would often complain loudly about how they were all overworked—and any chance she could, she’d find a way to make Jennifer’s life hell, usually through underhanded comments about the “perfect” people in their unit.

  On top of that, though, was the cold honest truth that Jennifer never wanted to talk about. She’d gone to school and majored in Communications, but she’d left school knowing she did not want to work in mass media...which left her with a degree that felt kind of useless. She applied for work where she knew a degree in general would come in handy, especially when she’d have to rely on communication skills (in the case of Edwards, she was the “face” of the company when it came to online correspondence), but she wasn’t rolling in the dough, feeling grateful for all the good her college degree was doing her.

  And she’d let her guard down almost right off the bat with her former boyfriend. It had started when he’d pulled her close into an embrace, and—even though he looked like he’d been through the wringer—he felt and smelled just like Zane should, flooding her head with memories and emotions that immediately made it feel like they had only spent a weekend apart, nothing more.

  So, by the time he’d asked the right question, she was feeling tense and anxious—and now she was feeling like a real jerk for jumping on him like that.

  Zane set his glass of Coke back on the table and smiled at her. “Sure smells good here.”

  Jennifer nodded. “Yeah, it does. Hey, Zane...I just wanted to say sorry again. Talk about starting out on the wrong foot.”

  He grinned. “Maybe we can get the arguing out of the way first this time.”

  She was afraid they wouldn’t have much time together if things were as bad for Zane as she feared...but she wasn’t going to venture there right now. For now, she wanted to try to keep things light and civil. She didn’t want to create bad memories. “Good idea. Let’s say we’re done and move on.” She smiled and then said, “So why don’t you tell me all about that little side project of yours and Ethan’s.” She’d known that Fully Automatic had told their fans in advance about a two-year hiatus. Brad, lead singer and guitarist, and Nick, their drummer, had joined a side project with Valerie to create a band called Val Hella, and Jennifer had been s
o happy to see her friend back in music. It had killed Valerie to drop out of the band because she’d trashed her vocal chords and was unable to sing for years, and the band had hit it big by the time she was able to afford the surgery to repair the damage done to her throat. Val seemed to be more alive when she was performing, and Jennifer had been thrilled to see how much she’d grown as an artist. She loved Val’s new band and thought the music was better than anything she’d ever done with Fully Automatic. She wasn’t sure why—maybe because it had started out as a male band and had never truly had a woman’s touch, unlike Val’s new band.

  And Val’s new band might have been metal, but Ethan and Zane had taken their side project to a whole new level. Heavy and hard and bordering on death metal, the kind of music Jennifer had to listen to in small doses if at all because it was often just too much. But she wanted to hear what Zane thought of it. Most people didn’t know it about Zane, because he put off the vibe of party animal, but he was a thinker. He’d often churned over several ideas in his mind before he ever said a word—unless, of course, he and Jennifer were fighting. She had been known to get him so angry that he’d either completely clam up or yell shit that he sometimes didn’t mean.

  “It’s been different...but really cool.”

  “Sinful Disobedience. I love that name. Who came up with it?”

  “I don’t remember. Me and Ethan were drinking one night—before Brad threatened to kick him out of Automatic—and I think he said if he ever had another band, he’d want me to be part of it. So we kicked around a bunch of names. That was one of ‘em, but I don’t remember if it was me or him who thought of it. But when the four of us decided side projects were okay, we knew we had to use it. I think it’s a great name, and fans have responded well to it.”

  “You guys went to Europe to record, right?”

  Zane chuckled. “Yeah. Ethan was convinced that a change of scenery, especially going overseas, would make our music more legit.”